超级评审团毒舌点评13封真实英文开发信，看看你有没有中招（二）

04 第四个开发信案例分享

Richard Harris 

Founder & Owner, The Harris Consulting Group

I call this the “show up and throw up.” The idea to be specific and short is right, but you try to solve too many problems in a single email. This could actually be 3-4 different emails to the same person.

我称之为 “现身说法”。具体而简短的想法是对的，但你试图在一封邮件中解决太多问题。这些内容实际上可能已经够给同一个人发3-4封不同的邮件了。

Heather Morgan 

CEO, SalesFolk

Ugh, this email looks like a bad ad for an info product from the 90’s. The sender mistakenly assumes that lists, bold font, and caps will make up for a lack of a cohesive and compelling message. It feels sketchy and is hard to read.

这封邮件看起来就像90年代的信息产品的糟糕广告。发件人错误地认为列表、粗体字和大写字母可以弥补缺乏凝聚力和引人注目的信息。它让人感觉很粗糙，而且很难阅读。

Liz Cain 

VP Go-to-Market, Openview Partners

The word “guarantee” brings to mind the negative connotations of sales – understand the problem before you guarantee a solution.

“保证 “这个词让人联想到销售的负面内涵，在你保证解决方案之前，先了解具体的问题是什么。

Jake Dunlap 

CEO, Skaled

No one says “dear” anymore this isn’t a letter to your grandmama – terrible on so many fronts I don’t know where to start.

没有人说 “dear”了，这不是给你奶奶的信，在很多方面都很糟糕，我甚至都不知道从哪里开始点评。

Josh Hill 

Sr. Manager of Demand Generation, RingCentral

How do they know I am doing well or not? This is the classic stay-at-home mom spam engine that people get hooked into and then claim they make “thousands” a month from sending fake emails to people like us.

他们怎么知道我做得好不好的？这是一个典型的从垃圾邮件软件出来邮件，然后软件声称他们每月通过向我们这样的人发送假邮件然后赚取数千元钱。

Blake Harber 

Director of Sales Development, LucidCharts

I would never read this email simply because it’s way too long and the bold all caps screams spam to me.

我永远不会读这封邮件，只是因为它太长了，而且粗体大写对我来说就是垃圾邮件。

Nicolette Mullenix 

Director of Sales Development, DynamicSignal

A prospect that doesn’t address me by my name immediately shows me that they don’t understand me or my pains. They could say one line about the website that they noticed and say “I have some ideas for improving your website and increase web conversions. We helped (insert company) increase (stat) in (timeframe).” Wait for the sales reps to sell the solution and use outbound outreach to drive initial interest.

一个不以我的名字来称呼我的潜在客户，马上就说明他们不了解我，也不了解我的痛苦。他们可以说一句他们注意到的网站，然后说：”我有一些改进你的网站和提高网络转化率的想法。我们帮助某某公司在某个时间范围内增加了某某数据”。等待销售代表销售解决方案，并使用推动最初的兴趣。

05 第五个开发信案例分享

Jake Dunlap 

CEO, Skaled

Emails from a CEO to a CEO should be strong and confident. This is most definitely a non-English Speaking sales rep hitting up a CEO in a bulk campaign. Someone should be proofreading.

CEO写给CEO的邮件应该是强有力和自信的。这很可能是一个不懂英语的销售代表在批量营销中与CEO搭讪。应该有人进行校对。

Ray Carroll 

VP of Sales, Engagio

Appreciate the attempt to build rapport in the beginning, but it’s in the wrong place. That would need to go in the end and I don’t think you’ve earned the right to ask what his favorite place is.

感谢你一开始就试图建立关系，但这是在错误的地方。这需要在最后去，我不认为你已经赢得了向对方提问的权利。

Ralph Barsi 

Sr. Director Sales Development, ServiceNow

My day’s moving 1000 mph.

I’m in between meetings, walking from one conference room to the next – or worse, I’m hustling from one gate to the next to catch my connection flight.

There’s a few minutes, however, to scroll through new emails on my phone. Let’s read the subject lines and see what’s come in…

“This is your boss. Call me.” For sure.

“They loved the proposal.” Sweet!

“Your flight is on time.” Hallelujah!

“Lead Generator for CRM.” (Record scratch) Huh? Delete.

Subject lines are your gatekeepers. Invest time and energy in crafting them.

我的一天在以1000英里的速度前进。

我在会议之间，从一个会议室走到另一个会议室–更糟糕的是，我正从一个登机口匆匆赶往另一个登机口，以赶上我的转机航班。

然而，有几分钟的时间，我可以在手机上滚动浏览新邮件。让我们读读主题行，看看有什么来了……

“我是你的老板。打电话给我。” 当然了

“他们很喜欢我的求婚” 真好！

“你的飞机准时起飞了” 哈利路亚！

“客户关系管理系统的线索生成器” 咦？删掉

主题行是你的守门人。投入时间和精力来制作它们。

Heather Morgan 

CEO, SalesFolk

Phrases such as “professionals in USA,” and “do you recommend me any special places” show an obvious lack of detail when it comes to grammar. The email also has zero personalization beyond the recipient’s first name.

诸如 “美国的专业人士”、”你有什么特别的地方推荐给我吗 “等措辞，在语法方面明显缺乏细节。邮件中除了收件人的名字外，个性化的内容也为零。

06 第六个开发信案例分享

Steven Broudy 

Head of Sales Development Americas, Mulesoft

“Given your role” does not equal personalization. It’s a total cop-out. Why should I spend fifteen minutes with you? What pain of mine are you addressing. PS: I don’t care about what your boiler pitch is.

“鉴于你的角色 “不等于个性化，这是在逃避问题。我为什么要花15分钟和你在一起？你要解决的是我的什么痛苦。PS：我不关心你的锅炉推销是什么。

Josh Hill 

Sr. Manager of Demand Generation, RingCentral

I don’t understand why the elevator pitch is last. I probably didn’t make it that far because I wouldn’t just accept this offer to chat. If I were really keen, I would have researched providers and reached out.

我不明白为什么电梯推销被放在了最后。我可能还没有做到随便接受聊天提议的地步。如果我真的很热衷于此，我会研究一下供应商，然后主动联系。

Blake Harber 

Director of Sales Development, LucidCharts

Everyone is the “fastest growing” whatever in their industry. This doesn’t matter to prospects, nor do they care about your recent funding or investors. What you are really trying to say is, “We are a legit company that is trusted by many.” Prove it by telling me exactly how you helped someone just like me. Bonus points if it was someone in my network.

每个人都说他们行业中 “增长最快 “的人。这对潜在客户来说并不重要，他们也不关心你最近的资金或投资者。你真正想说的是，”我们是一家被许多人信任的合法公司”。通过告诉我你到底是如何帮助像我这样的人来证明这一点。如果是我的人脉中的人，那就加分项。

David Dulany 

Founder & CEO, Tenbound

I like that it’s very short and to the point. Perhaps if Charlie is in fact the right guy for something like that, it could be a good time. But I’m pretty sure Charlie doesn’t have time that day, or immediately for a call. Give him a calendy link or some possible times. Or maybe don’t make a call your CTA, just try to drive them to a landing page or video to learn more.

我喜欢它很短，很有针对性。如果Charlie真的是合适的人选，也许会是个好时机。但我很确定Charlie那天没有时间，或者说没有时间马上打电话。给他一个日程链接或者一些其他的时间。或者也许不要把打电话作为你的CTA，只是试着把他们引到一个登陆页面或视频中去了解更多。

Ray Carroll 

VP of Sales, Engagio

Way too long of a PS at the bottom -> the PS is longer than the body.

底部的PS太长了，比正文还长。

（来源：红板砖开发信）
以上内容属作者个人观点，不代表雨果网立场！本文经原作者授权转载，转载需经原作者授权同意。