超级评审团毒舌点评13封真实英文开发信，看看你有没有中招（一）

本文的目的是让你更好地了解如何通过电子邮件与潜在客户进行人际沟通。

文章从一些国外销售代表那里抽取了一些真实的开发信，并请一些从业者进行点评。其目的是通过了解收件人的真实感受和点评，来帮助你在写开发信的时候变得更有效。

在阅读本文时的几个提示：

• 由于这些开发信是外国人写了发给外贸公司的，而且进行点评的人也是外国人，所以其中有些文化差异需要灵活理解
• 点评主要是集中于开发信的问题和不足，大家在看的时候应该理性看待。

专业评审团介绍

01 第一个开发信案例分享

Richard Harris 

Founder & Owner, The Harris Consulting Group

1st Paragraph is all about themselves, not about prospect. Your prospect rarely cares about you, your company, or what ranking you are. They only care if you can help them solve their problem as it relates to their role/company. Signature is much too big especially for mobile.

第1段都是关于自己，而不是关于潜在客户。你的潜在客户很少关心你，你的公司，或你是什么等级。他们只关心你是否能帮助他们解决他们的问题，因为这与他们的角色/公司有关。签名占比太大了，尤其是对手机而言。

Ralph Barsi 

Sr. Director Sales Development, ServiceNow

When crafting emails, think in terms of texts or tweets.

Write short sentences and paragraphs. Whenever you include a URL, shorten it using TinyURL or bit.ly. You can also remove the “http://www” and just hyperlink the address. For example, if the URL is “http://www.link. com,” hyperlink “link.com” with the full URL. Avoid yes/no questions. They can paint you into a corner. “Do you have time to chat?” No. Now what?

在写邮件时，以文本或微博的方式思考。

写短句子和段落。每当你包含一个URL时，使用TinyURL或bit.ly缩短它。你也可以去掉 “http://www”，只用超链接地址。例如，如果URL是 “http://www.link. com”，则用完整的URL超链接 “link.com”。避免使用 “是/否 “的问题。它们会让你陷入困境。如果你问”你有时间聊天吗？” ，然后地方回答“没有”，那里现在怎么办？

Heather Morgan 

CEO, SalesFolk

The subject line is lame and generic.

The intro is very self-focused, and jam-packed with jargon and dull features. The email itself is too long and has bullets, which never perform well in cold emails.

主题词很蹩脚，很一般。

前言非常自我关注，并且塞满了专业术语和沉闷的功能。邮件本身太长，而且有列表，这在开发信邮件中的效果不好。

David Dulany 

Founder & CEO, Tenbound

This email is a classic shot in the dark. It shows no personalization or attempt to appeal to specific business issues. The first question I would ask is, does the recipient have anything to do with the vendor’s product? Are they the target persona? If not, don’t ruin your reputation with an email like this.

这封邮件是典型的暗箭伤人。它没有显示出任何个性化或试图吸引特定的业务问题。我会问的第一个问题是，收件人与供应商的产品有什么关系吗？他们是目标人物吗？如果不是，就不要用这样的邮件毁掉你的声誉。

Jake Dunlap 

CEO, Skaled

Every good emails first sentence or second says “why me” to the receiver. Why should I as the opener give a shit and why did you send to me specifically? This could copy and paste to a million people.

每一封好的邮件第一句或第二句都会对收件人说 “为什么发给我”。作你为什么要专门发给我？这可以复制粘贴给一百万人。

Blake Harber 

Director of Sales Development, LucidCharts

Be specific in your call to action. “Do you have 10 minutes on Friday?”

在你的行动呼吁中要具体，比如”你周五有10分钟吗？”

Liz Cain 

VP Go-to-Market, Openview Partners

There are 2 separate calls to action here (1. Advise on future projects and 2. a quick call). Avoid the yes/no and be more clear in your ask – why would your contact care to get on the phone with you?

这里有2个独立的行动呼吁（1.对未来项目的建议和2.快速电话）。避免 “yes or no”的call to action，在你的问话中要更加明确为什么你的联系人会在意和你通电话？

02 第二个开发信案例分享

Steven Broudy 

Head of Sales Development Americas, Mulesoft

The clear lack of quality research is painful. Five minutes exploring the Engagio Executive Team would lead an SDR to surface the fact that the founder came from Marketo, as did their VP of Sales and a number of other members of their team. This kind of “faux” research comes across as extremely disingenuous.

明显缺乏高质量的研究是痛苦的。探究Engagio高管团队五分钟，就能让一个SDR浮现出创始人来自Marketo，他们的销售副总裁和其他一些团队成员也是如此。这种虚假 的研究显得极其不真实。

Richard Harris 

Founder & Owner, The Harris Consulting Group

Be relevant by focusing on the pains you solve. If you have use cases and case studies that match this individual, mention those when appropriate.

关注你解决的痛点，要有针对性。如果你有与此人相匹配的使用案例和案例研究，请在适当的时候提及。

Ralph Barsi 

Sr. Director Sales Development, ServiceNow

Your email must talk about me and no one else, unless I might know specific people or companies you mention. Otherwise, talk about me, my company, my customers, my marketplace, and more about me. The third sentence is comprised of 35 words. That’s enough words for an entire email. Busy executives can’t even give colleagues 20 minutes of time, let alone you. Add value and time will appear.

你的电子邮件必须谈论我而不是其他人，除非我可能认识你提到的特定的人或公司。否则，要谈论我，我的公司，我的客户，我的市场，以及更多关于我的事情。第三句话由35个单词组成，这足够一整封邮件的字数。忙碌的高管连20分钟的时间都不能给同事，更不用说你了。只有增加你提供的价值，时间和机会才会出现。

Ray Carroll 

VP of Sales, Engagio

Signing this as “to your success” on the sig when you are clearly trying to swap them off something is a little bush league.

在签名处写”祝你成功 “的字样，而你明明是想把他们换掉什么东西，这就有点小题大做了。

Josh Hill 

Sr. Manager of Demand Generation, RingCentral

Generally, it’s a bad idea to knock competitors and other firms. Some people think creating FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) works (and sometimes it does), but to do so in a poor way is a good path to the trash bin.

一般来说，打击竞争对手和其他公司是个坏主意。有些人认为制造FUD（恐惧、不确定、怀疑）是有效的（有时确实如此），但如果用不好的方式去做，就是被随手丢到垃圾箱。

Heather Morgan 

CEO, SalesFolk

It’s really generic and doesn’t focus on a clear enough benefit or pain point, and so it’s confusing what the company wants or what the point of this call would actually be.

它真的很一般，没有聚焦在一个足够清晰的利益或痛点上，所以对公司想要的是东西是模糊的，或者说这个电话的意义到底会是什么。

Liz Cain 

VP Go-to-Market, Openview Partners

I can’t actually tell what this person is selling from the email. Assuming you are trying to replace Marketo, why bring up another competitor like Eloqua?

其实我无法从邮件中看出这个人在卖什么。假设你是想取代Marketo，为什么还要提出另一个竞争对手，比如Eloqua？

Nicolette Mullenix 

Director of Sales Development, DynamicSignal

This email talks about another company entirely rather. Your emails should tell a story about your customers and how people in my position from those companies benefit from your solution.

这封邮件完全是在谈论另一家公司。你的邮件应该讲述一个关于你客户的故事，以及这些公司中处于我这个位置的人如何从你的解决方案中获益。

03 第三个开发信案例分享

Ralph Barsi 

Sr. Director Sales Development, ServiceNow

The title “Director of Sales” implies that you understand how to prospect. Therefore, represent the title well. Don’t “come across” people and their businesses, as if you weren’t looking for them, but, “Hey, there they are!” Asking Jon at the end of the email if he’s the right person is YOUR responsibility, not his. Do a quick search on LinkedIn.

“销售总监 “这个头衔暗示着你懂得如何去做潜在客户。因此要把这个头衔表现好，所以你要去刻意搜寻客户，而不是随意地碰到客户。在邮件末尾问Jon是否是合适的人，是你的责任，而不是他的责任，你可以在LinkedIn上快速搜索一下。

Ray Carroll 

VP of Sales, Engagio

If someone writes “plug and play” in an email to me it’s automate delete – too cliché.

如果有人在邮件中写上 “即插即用”，对我来说就是直接删除，太老套了。

Josh Hill 

Sr. Manager of Demand Generation, RingCentral

It’s a very sensitive issue for a firm. Most firms use Quicken or other tools and it’s pretty presumptuous to approach in this way.

对于一个公司来说，这是一个非常敏感的问题。大多数公司都使用Quicken或其他工具，以这种方式来处理是非常冒昧的。

Heather Morgan 

CEO, SalesFolk

This subject line is lame and boring, and this tactic has been used to death.

No one cares that you “did research,” and just saying that is not nearly the same as demonstrating it. The email is feature-focused rather than benefit driven, making it especially boring and weak. This email is like a Frankenstein of cheap and lazy email tactics.

这个主题词很蹩脚，也很无聊，这种策略已经被用烂了。

没有人关心你 “做了研究”，只说这句话和展示这句话是不一样的。这封邮件以功能为中心，而不是以利益为导向，使它特别无聊和软弱。这封邮件采用的是廉价和懒惰的邮件策略。

David Dulany 

Founder & CEO, Tenbound

Jon has nothing to do with this function, unless maybe he’s CEO of a two-person company. With a little more digging, the sender could have found that right person, who may be open to the message.

乔恩跟这个功能没有任何关系，除非他可能是一家两人公司的CEO。只要再挖掘一下，发件人就能找到那个合适的人，他可能会对这个消息持开放态度。

Blake Harber 

Director of Sales Development, LucidCharts

Are you really interested in learning more about each other? I’m never a big fan of the “cover up”. Call it how it is. Be specific as to what you really want.

你真的有兴趣去多了解对方吗？我向来不喜欢 “掩耳盗铃”。具体地表达你真正想要的是什么。

Liz Cain 

VP Go-to-Market, Openview Partners

The opening line is weak and comes off as a bulk email. What research were you doing? What made you reach out to me?

开场白很弱，显得像一封批量邮件。你在做什么研究？是什么让你主动联系我？

未完待续…（来源：红板砖开发信）

以上内容属作者个人观点，不代表雨果网立场！本文经原作者授权转载，转载需经原作者授权同意。